Improving Communication

I am going to take a stab in the dark and assume that no one, no not one person is currently staring at his or her inbox wondering where the January E-news from Beacon of Hope is. I put these deadline dates on myself and then get upset with myself when the date comes and goes. But I try to assure myself that no one is just sitting by their computer or tablet or whatever device you may get emails wondering where the Beacon news is.

So, its just a date in time and maybe, just maybe, somebody needed to read these words just now versus three days ago. God’s timing is perfect and His providence Reigns. God is in control. It does not matter who may be in the White House – God is on the throne!!  Amen, so glad our God is watching over us and making a way for us.

It’s a new year! What are your plans? Do you have some goals for 2025? Our youngest is a freshman in college and I asked her what her 25 goals were. And she looked at me and said, ‘dad, 25 goals is a lot – I think I will stick to just a couple’. As a result, one of my goals is to communicate better. I know I share that story somewhat in jest, but it is true – I got the answer to the question that I asked.

Has assuming you know what someone is saying or asking ever got you into a bit of a bind? I work in a communication business. It is my line of work everyday to communicate. What does it mean to communicate? How many does it take to communicate?

When couples come in for marriage counseling it most often has something to do with communication – even if they do not use that type of language. Everything we do is communicating something to someone.

A phrase I have heard some of the younger generation using is gotchu. I think the meaning of it is “I understand”. Do we actually understand? Or are we just saying gotchu? Do we actually take time to listen and process before responding?

When someone is talking to you, do you look at them? What do you see? You see lip movement, what else? Hand gestures, arm motions, legs crossed, hips turned – all these and more, right? But what about when the person is not speaking are you speaking? And what happens when you stop speaking? Have you ever experienced silence?

Silence can tell us so much. Unfortunately, silence can be feared. As a young therapist would share and maybe a not so young therapist, we can all feel this way from time to time; silence must be filled. Or should it be allowed? Silence is a very good thing. After all, how many times have you told your children to be quiet or tried to play the quiet game. Silence is a gift.

However, silence is not always interpreted as a gift – it is often weaponized. Silence can be used against someone. I want to ask you another question. Who ever learned something when they were talking? I believe the answer to this question to be a very low percentage even though I often get pushback. Lets think about this for a moment. If you are talking, you are most likely telling someone something you know, therefore you are not learning, because you already know. But the flip side is so much truer. We learn when we are listening. Now we may hear something that we already know, but we have a better chance of learning something new when we are silent.

Couples that are seeking help often come in and they begin talking over each other (both trying to talk at the same time). No one is learning in this situation. I will thank couples for doing this and assure them that if they are willing, we will work on listening and learning. Being misunderstood or felt like your feelings do not matter can be very frustrating. I really enjoy working with couples that want to learn. And we all learn by being quiet.

Think about listening to a sermon or a podcast or some other seminar or training. We listen to learn. We talk to tell or inform. We need to listen way more than we talk. We do not have two mouths – we have two ears. Its an old joke, but do the math ratio.

Goal #1 – LISTEN. Catch this vision. Let’s be better listeners. If we can get this one right, we might not need a goal number two. When people feel heard, they feel better – they want to communicate and get along with others. It sounds simple, but it actually is very hard. If you struggle with the technique of listening, as we all do from time to time – how about you reach out to a therapist in 2025 – get some training in how to LISTEN. You will be grateful you did.

Listening till Gotchu,

Kyle Thompson EdD LPC

Executive Director