The Meaning of True Trust
Trust – The four pillars of trust are benevolence (grace), integrity, competence, and predictability. Trust is a foundational must for any meaningful relationship. Without it, or once trust is broken, that foundational must is fractured or splintered. What now lives in these fractured areas is a combination of doubt, fear, hurt, confusion, resulting in a guarded heart.
We have all experienced the hurt of broken trust. It could be a lie, the predictability turned on its head, it could be secrets kept, an affair, or any number of matters of the heart. I use matters of the heart specifically because this is why broken trust hurts so bad. It is an emotional gut punch, a knock out blow, wreaking havoc in untold ways. This too is why it is so hard to rebound from, to move on, and to forgive. Even if forgiveness is heartfelt, those fractured, splintered areas where that pain lives, must be recognized, worked through and this takes time. Time in this instance is not linear. It’s not merely starting at point A, recognizing all the hurt, and arriving at point B. Matters of the heart are not so easy. What is also hard, in this period, if the offender is a good friend, a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, they desperately want the healing period to be linear. They don’t want to live under a cloud of suspicion, they don’t want to “re-hash” it over, and over, and over again. To that I say, if you are on the receiving end of broken trust, the offenders timeline, their desire to move on, is not on you. Actually, if the offender is not willing to submit to your hearts timeline, your desire to talk about it, respecting the fact forgiveness is a process, then maybe that tells you even more about that person?
I grew up in an Italian family. Trust was taught early and often. It was an underpinning lesson of my childhood, re-enforced frequently. I was not taught that once trust is broken, there is no coming back. Instead, trust was taught as a character foundation for us kids, it was how we approached the world and the people in our lives. My parents knew they couldn’t guard us from broken trust from others, but they also knew, they could try as they might to instill in us, never to break trust with any person in our lives, that was something we could control.
True trust with another is not the finish line by itself. However what true trust allows, is in itself a gift. It allows us to be vulnerable, love boldly, and give to others freely. It allows us to live with an open, unguarded heart. Trust allows one to say to another, “You really, want to know what is wrong”? and then pour our troubled souls out in essence saying, “here are all my pains, all my hurts, all my fears, and all my doubts”. The other person then implicitly says, “It is ok. You can trust me, and know I will love you anyways”. That is beautiful. That is the bountiful gift that trust allows.
Todd Leva, LLPC
Beacon of Hope
